saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
