You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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