I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
