i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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