please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
