Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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