Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
