I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
