Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
