I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
