can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
