i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
