i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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