Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
