Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
