Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
