Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
