just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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