I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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