Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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