I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The uberlube is also flammable
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
