I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
