I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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