I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
