If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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