Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
