Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
