Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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