I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
