our cab driver is having phone sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
