at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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