Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
