Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
