based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
