when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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