I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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