i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
