Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
