I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm both gender and math confused
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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