New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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