I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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