I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we're making bets on your personal life
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
