Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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