Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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