So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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