Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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