The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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