I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
