so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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