Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
