I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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